I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
