The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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