Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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