its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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