As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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