Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
