There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
