2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
