when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
