i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
