Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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