He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
