So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Panties = found
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