Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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