I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
