just tell him i said nine months
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
