I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
