CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
