Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
