my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i think i just lost a toe
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
