Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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