question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
