i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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