One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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