Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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