I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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