I wish my penis had an off switch
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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