i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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