and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
