Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
