broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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