is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
