You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
