I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
