That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
