when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
