the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
