Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
