I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
