I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
