Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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