I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
bring money and cleavage
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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