We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
