Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
