At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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