I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
