Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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