i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
