My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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