I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
